A more serious topic...

I am a teacher of young children. I chose this career because I love children and wanted to help instill morals and values of worth and acceptance. I wanted to teach children to love learning and to be comfortable to ask questions and confident to give answers.
Over the past 3 years of my teaching career, things have changed dramatically. I no longer want to be a teacher. And while I still love what I do, I find that my hands are tied in so many ways by so many political restrictions and ridiculous parental requests that I no longer know how to teach the way that I know how to.
If you know me or your child has had me as their teacher, you know that I am great at what I do. My students come to me from all different spectrums. Some come in wild and curious, others are timid and shy. However, within 4 weeks I can assure you that each and every child in my class feels welcome, loved, more confident, and eager to learn. Every one of my students hugs me tightly before they leave at the end of the day and today out of 20 students, twelve told me they love me. I have only had these children for 6 weeks.
In 6 weeks, I have come home crying every day. I get to school by 7:30AM and spend 45 minutes tweaking and perfecting everything in my classroom to prepare for the day. I usually have 5-15 emails each day that I try to respond to. These range from questions other teachers may have, central office reminding me of what all I need to be doing, and parents asking me specifc details of many, many different things.
Throughout the day I hug my students and tell them I am proud of the good choices they are making. I high five, do nerdy dances, and cheer when my students get an answer right. I hold the ones that fall down and get hurt, I calm the ones whose feelings have been hurt and mediate many petty arguments. I pull rowdy boys off of each other every couple of minutes and firmly tell remind them to make good choices and keep their hands to themselves. I give 50 reminders a day for my kids to take potty breaks and when they have an "accident" I direct the class's attention to something else while I very discreetly help the child with wet pants change and come back to class as though nothing ever happened.
I teach with excitement, I read with silly voices, I create Smartboard lessons so that the students are more directly involved with technology. I sing, I dance, and I put a smiley face or sticker on all student work.
All of this and I still get the emails from parents that think I am just not doing enough. I get the emails that ask that I not make any corrections on their child's paper because it discourages them even though this is far from what I see. I have the parent that thinks I am too strict. I have the parent that thinks I am too lenient. I work for a government that says I will never be "excellent" on my teacher evaluations because there is always room for improvement.
At home, after I've put my son to bed, I read and respond to emails. I read my book on Love and Logic or some other researched based book I've been given to help make me even better. I modify my lesson plans for my students with special needs and I google ways that I can help them more in my classroom.
As I lay in bed at night, I pray for my student who is struggling because they've had no previous schooling, I pray for the child that doesn't ever seem to want the day to end at school, I pray for the child who isn't as confident as I want them to be, I pray for my wonderful team who is more discouraged by day, and I pray that God will get me out of this job. My stomach hurts because I'm worried I am not doing enough and my head hurts from trying think of ways to fit more in. My spirit is broken because I know I will never be whatever it is our country wants a "teacher" to be. I am angry because I want my son to have good teachers who feel valued and respected and yet I do not know one who is.
When did teachers become the enemy and why? I no longer want to be on the front line dodging questions I am not allowed to answer honestly and trying to live up to the expectations that no longer seem humanly capable.

Everybody Loves Raymond

I cannot watch the sitcom re-runs of "Everybody Loves Raymond". I swear it is a direct parallel to my life sometimes. Even my dad calls me Debra. He thinks this is all funny. I kid you not, just the other night, my husband was watching that show and it was about Marie getting all worked up over thank-you notes not being written. It was like deja vu!

This morning, we were at the lake house with my in-laws and my MNL serves my child a bowl of potato chips for breakfast. My son walks up to me and says, "Look Mommy I got chips". I took the bowl away and said, "You are not eating chips for breakfast". Of course he began to cry and I am now the bad guy. My MNL says, "I knew you would't let him have those. Grandma's sorry baby!" If you knew I wouldn't let him eat chips for breakfast why the heck did you give them to him? To intentionally piss me off? MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Yours, Mine, and Theirs

My husband, son, and I went to the lake this weekend with the in-laws. I usually dread going to the lake because: 1. The guys drink from the time they get there until they pass out at night 2. Football, baseball, or some other sport is on the TV the ENTIRE time 3. until recently my child screams and throws a fit while on the boat because he hates wearing a life jacket 4. while the guys are drinking, smoking, and watching sports, I am trying to entertain my son while my MNL shares never-ending negative information about the latest news/economic situation or whatever other black clouds are hanging over her head. So, I admit that while packing to go to the lake for the weekend inevitably puts me in a bad mood.


Last weekend my husband and son were in a car accident. Thankfully, they were not hurt. My husband's truck on the other hand was totalled. My husband works with his dad and brother and they have their own company. On Friday, my husband pulled in our drive-way with a brand new, very expensive truck. I asked him how we were going to afford it and he said that his dad got it for him and it is a "work truck". Great! My husband wants me to help him write a really nice thank-you note (his mom is BIG on the thank-you notes) and I was going to bake his dad's favorite pie to show our appreciation. After all, how many parents buy their fully grown sons a brand-new truck after wrecking the one they have? Nice right? WRONG! At the lake, my brother-in-law's new girlfriend told my husband that she loves his new truck. My father-in-law pipes in, "that is MY truck". He proceeded to let us ALL know that my husband's new truck does not belong to us; it belongs to him. Can we just give it back and get one of our own that actually belongs to us!? I was so embarrassed. Screw the thank you note and pie!

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

My three best friends from high school came to visit me this summer for a wonderful weekend of reminiscing and freedom from the present trials and stresses that "almost thirty" threatens to suffocate us with. The three of us could not be more different from one another.

Lee is living in the Big City with her brilliant husband who is working on his doctorate (I don't even know if I spelled that correctly) at an Ivey League School. She is a stay at home mom of two beautiful boys and looking to find a job as a counselor. She married a wonderful man who adores her. He is of a different race and religion and I admire their love an devotion despite the glares, stares and judgement passed by so many. She is liberal with some conservative viewpoints but her life experiences have made her views of this world so much broader than mine.

I've known Nicole since 7th grade when we were both nerdy, scrawny, ugly ducklings fighting to keep our heads above water in the shark-infested waters of Jr. High School. She has had a difficult life with an unsympathetic single-mother who dressed her in polos, khakis, and penny loafers and hoped she would turn out just like her. I'm so glad that she didn't. Nicole is finally happy (with the help of medication and weekly therapy) with her NASA hubby and they are expecting their first child. Nicole is still a nerd at heart but she is also a beautiful friend who has bravely overcome her insecurities and crazy ass mother. She is a conservative with some liberal viewpoints. Our political beliefs are similar.

Suzanne lives in a small town and works for a private college. She is the dominant personality out of the three of us. She doesn't believe in marriage or children for herself and lives with an adorable, loving boyfriend who worships the ground she walks on. She is an artist of all trades. She has pieces in many galleries and is undeniably talented. Suzanne is very intelligent and often uses big words that I do not know (I just pretend to). She is very liberal and we cannot discuss politics or religion because our beliefs are so different. I love her dearly and am probably closest to her or at least I was in high school.

Then there's me. I teach kindergarten and live in a big house with my cookie-cutter family. This is what my friends call it, I wouldn't completely disagree. I love my life and I thank God each day for all that he has given me. I admit that I have the lowest I.Q. out of my girlfriend gang, but I can keep up. They call me the "elegant" one and compare me to Charlotte from Sex and the City. I don't know about that. I am conservative but very accepting of others different from the way I live and think. I try not to judge and to see the good in everything, but I'm not afraid to stand up for what I strongly believe in: God, family, faith, and freedom.

So, each summer we all get together for a "Girlfriend Getaway". This year is was my home. We laugh till we cry, make fun of each other, and have serious discussions about who we are individually. The best part is that we all love each other even though we have all changed so much since high school. Or maybe we haven't changed at all. I think we have each just grown more into the individual people we are.

I get so emotional each time we part ways. This time I allowed myself to analyze why that is. My high school friends represent a past that I miss. A past that was simple and yet completely drenched in teenage drama. I miss the friendships they represent. I think as we get older those unconditional friendships are so hard to find. I am saddened when they leave because of the vast emptiness I feel. I feel so alone after being so completely understood and loved and so well-known. When I say good-bye to them, its like saying good-bye to a little piece of myself. A piece of my past and memories that I cherish and would love to re-live.

Over the past couple of weeks, I start to really look at the relationships that I have with other women in my life. Although none can quite compare to my high school sisters, there is one woman here that I am getting closer to each day. She is another extremely intelligent person. I also work with her which is an added plus. She has become my best friend here and I love that I can be myself around her. She is the only person here that I feel I can be or maybe its just that she makes the effort to find out who I am.

So as I near this beast of a year called "Thirty" approaches, I know that I'll be okay. I have a family that loves me. Yes, it is filled with drama parallel to the sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond" (even my dad calls me Debra). But its my life. And I also have this wonderful friend/colleague that listens to me bitch about Marie any time I want. And of course, I have this blog that I can ramble out my thoughts and legitimate bitches and no one knows its from me!

Paranoid XSNL

Okay, so MNL and I decided to take my son and my nephew to an educational craft activity at a local historic venue. My nephew's mother, my ex-sister-in-law (aka XSNL), who by the way has not called me since her divorce from my BNL (brother-in-law) 6 months ago and used to be my best friend and even came up with the term 'MNL' (insert breath here) left me a voicemail just before we were about to head out the door. She asks me to keep "an extra close eye on her son because there are strangers out there who want to snatch up little kids and please take a picture of him with my i-phone so that we know exactly what he looked like and what he was wearing if it is the last time we ever see him". WTF??!! I'm thinking a.) I don't want to take this kid with me now b.) is there someone after him and i don't know about it c.) has XSNL gone off the deep end d.) I am offended b/c not only will MNL be with me to help, but I am a teacher for crying out loud and if I can keep up with 22 kiddos on a field trip, I think I can handle two toddlers with an extra set of hands to help me!

Never Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth

My MNL just returned from a vacation in the Big Apple. We meet for lunch and she pulls out a bag and says she brought me something back from NYC. How nice! Before she hands me the bag she says, "as soon as I bought this I wish that I hadn't . I don't know what I was thinking. And I paid way too much for it. You may not even like it." I open up the bag and there is a cute black leather designer purse. I tell her that I love it and that it was so thoughtful, however my inner voice is screaming "I don't want it now that you've introduced it like that!" So, did she regret buying it because she didn't think I would like it or because she didn't really want to give it to me? And who says upon giving a gift, "I paid way too much for it". I no longer enjoy receiving gifts from MNL.

Jealousy?

Okay, so my child is starting preschool on Monday and I am going to be a sobbing mascara-dripping mess. Thankfully a very good friend has cleared her schedule that day to help me get through this new transition. I was telling my MNL about it and how nice it is to have such a caring friend and her response in a tone that implied she had hurt feelings was, "Oh, well I was planning on taking you shopping and spending the day with you but that is great. I'm glad you will be doing something to take your mind of of it". Now, that is the FIRST time I'd ever heard anything about spending that day with me or any sort of a shopping trip. So, is she jealous that I am going with a friend? Why the sad eyes and look of hurt? It is so strange and the unpredictable responses give me whiplash!